A Better Draft
2011-Sep-23, Friday 12:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
samthebraveI am a far better communicator in print and I feel that there are things that need some clarity about Love and support before I start doing something that is going to cause me grief in the future.
Even as my closest loved ones if you were all closed minded preachers of something that would go so far as to exorcise my demons or something obviously harsh like that, I wouldn’t have any issue with hiding all my life’s gory details from you and going about my business, but because I see you all as liberal, open-minded, wise souls, I cherish your opinions not only as my loving support group but as people I look up to as well. You make a very strong devil’s advocate to my most difficult choices. Believe that.
I know that after you saw me try to hang onto an abusive relationship and get torn to pieces emotionally by Amy, that it has become difficult to let me go out the front door and live without wanting to pull me back and protect me. She did a number on everybody. I learned a hard lesson about some people being beyond help from that, which is why when Nilofar’s true colors of non-commitment started to show I had to let her go. I tried to hang on for a while. I tried to express to her that staying would be just as safe as going to get that needed freedom. So I allowed her to leave and come back at her convenience when she would be ready.
Now I am faced with a difficult decision. What is it to father a child? Is it our sperm or our heart? If I am not a father to Shiloh what does that make Kurt to me? Welcome to the new millennium of dysfunctional family. There are no simple easy solutions in a world of complexities. If there were we would be stoic and bored. I came to realize through professional help that no matter where I go from here I will have to face loss. Something that hurts me is the losses I have already amounted of course. I lost a lot of potentially good time with Carl and Jenny. I am losing more everyday. We are all losing and that; the deepest wound of all, continues to deepen.
If we extract the notion that bodily fluids is what connects parent to child, because in this day and age, we must. Kurt Edward Nordwall, the man I see as my dad is a shining example of that. There are countless others. Something I don’t think any of you realize, is that in my heart. I have a daughter. I must repeat that again because I don’t think any of you really have it sunk in. I have a daughter. Her name is Shiloh Rose. I gave her half of that name. I cut her from her mothers emptied womb. I shared so many of her firsts. I had sleepless nights and protective reflexes. You don’t see it that way. I understand that now. You visited with it on a few occasions and probably from that perspective saw me as a mere guest in her life too. I assure you my heart is no guest. Is that scary? Yes. Challenging? Ummmm to say the least. Am I up for it? Terrified. On my own? More terrified. Can I bear to lose her and let her grow up with her wacky mom on HER own? Absolutely not. I have a duty. I have honor. My heart tells me I don’t have a choice. I have a daughter. I have a daughter that will grow into a more whole and loving human being with a father that loves her, than without.
I know you can love me and not support me. I know you can keep a safe distance so I don’t splatter any more of my wounds on you. It is safer that way. I know you all see me as an emotional masochist, and perhaps you are right. This is my nature. I swear to you, I do not seek out whack-jobs. They just find me like gravity. Something I have learned from my time with a professional is that in any difficult choice the real challenge is choosing what to lose. Every decision has gains and losses. Gains are easy. If it were all gain, well the answers would just be and astounding yes across the board. What I am realizing now is that my choice will come with losses for you all too because we are webbed together by love and proximity. You have a choice. Support me or not. I am choosing to life a life as a constantly challenged by difficulty as a father, or as a grief and guilt stricken and broken man with more regret than anything. I know you want to protect me so you advise me to stay safe, but the truth is that I have to face insurmountable loss either way. It sucks, but it is the hard truth. Now you can choose to support me, or to continue loving me from a safe distance. But know this. Your distance is will not save me from any hurts. It only makes me hurt more. It hurts me more than you know because I have been burying in hope that you might change your minds.
For any of the painful challenges my nature has caused in you, I am deeply sorry. I know my immediate vicinity hasn’t been the safest place lately and for that which you shared I commend your strength and courage. I am viscerally benevolent with my heart. It is my nature. I know my benevolence causes pain when it is taken advantage of but you need to know that I have no regrets about anything I have ever done. I have suffered lots but have lived a very rich life of love. I want you to all to be part of that more than anything.
Even as my closest loved ones if you were all closed minded preachers of something that would go so far as to exorcise my demons or something obviously harsh like that, I wouldn’t have any issue with hiding all my life’s gory details from you and going about my business, but because I see you all as liberal, open-minded, wise souls, I cherish your opinions not only as my loving support group but as people I look up to as well. You make a very strong devil’s advocate to my most difficult choices. Believe that.
I know that after you saw me try to hang onto an abusive relationship and get torn to pieces emotionally by Amy, that it has become difficult to let me go out the front door and live without wanting to pull me back and protect me. She did a number on everybody. I learned a hard lesson about some people being beyond help from that, which is why when Nilofar’s true colors of non-commitment started to show I had to let her go. I tried to hang on for a while. I tried to express to her that staying would be just as safe as going to get that needed freedom. So I allowed her to leave and come back at her convenience when she would be ready.
Now I am faced with a difficult decision. What is it to father a child? Is it our sperm or our heart? If I am not a father to Shiloh what does that make Kurt to me? Welcome to the new millennium of dysfunctional family. There are no simple easy solutions in a world of complexities. If there were we would be stoic and bored. I came to realize through professional help that no matter where I go from here I will have to face loss. Something that hurts me is the losses I have already amounted of course. I lost a lot of potentially good time with Carl and Jenny. I am losing more everyday. We are all losing and that; the deepest wound of all, continues to deepen.
If we extract the notion that bodily fluids is what connects parent to child, because in this day and age, we must. Kurt Edward Nordwall, the man I see as my dad is a shining example of that. There are countless others. Something I don’t think any of you realize, is that in my heart. I have a daughter. I must repeat that again because I don’t think any of you really have it sunk in. I have a daughter. Her name is Shiloh Rose. I gave her half of that name. I cut her from her mothers emptied womb. I shared so many of her firsts. I had sleepless nights and protective reflexes. You don’t see it that way. I understand that now. You visited with it on a few occasions and probably from that perspective saw me as a mere guest in her life too. I assure you my heart is no guest. Is that scary? Yes. Challenging? Ummmm to say the least. Am I up for it? Terrified. On my own? More terrified. Can I bear to lose her and let her grow up with her wacky mom on HER own? Absolutely not. I have a duty. I have honor. My heart tells me I don’t have a choice. I have a daughter. I have a daughter that will grow into a more whole and loving human being with a father that loves her, than without.
I know you can love me and not support me. I know you can keep a safe distance so I don’t splatter any more of my wounds on you. It is safer that way. I know you all see me as an emotional masochist, and perhaps you are right. This is my nature. I swear to you, I do not seek out whack-jobs. They just find me like gravity. Something I have learned from my time with a professional is that in any difficult choice the real challenge is choosing what to lose. Every decision has gains and losses. Gains are easy. If it were all gain, well the answers would just be and astounding yes across the board. What I am realizing now is that my choice will come with losses for you all too because we are webbed together by love and proximity. You have a choice. Support me or not. I am choosing to life a life as a constantly challenged by difficulty as a father, or as a grief and guilt stricken and broken man with more regret than anything. I know you want to protect me so you advise me to stay safe, but the truth is that I have to face insurmountable loss either way. It sucks, but it is the hard truth. Now you can choose to support me, or to continue loving me from a safe distance. But know this. Your distance is will not save me from any hurts. It only makes me hurt more. It hurts me more than you know because I have been burying in hope that you might change your minds.
For any of the painful challenges my nature has caused in you, I am deeply sorry. I know my immediate vicinity hasn’t been the safest place lately and for that which you shared I commend your strength and courage. I am viscerally benevolent with my heart. It is my nature. I know my benevolence causes pain when it is taken advantage of but you need to know that I have no regrets about anything I have ever done. I have suffered lots but have lived a very rich life of love. I want you to all to be part of that more than anything.
