Fuckin Muck
2011-Sep-07, Wednesday 10:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
samthebraveI was reminded recently of the confusing pain of seperation. Sometimes it is just sorrowful loss that makes it hard to rise in the morning. Sometimes it is blatently abused freedom to just do what you have been dying to do for so long but felt you couldn't. But sometimes things go so wrong that you have to fight, quite literally even, in order to find yourself. You can see yourself become pretty ugly in those moments. I don't really believe there can ever be such a thing as a good break up experience. Only a few times have I been able to remain friends afterwards and even those have really awkward moments wherin one person wants to reminisce or maybe spark up a tiny flame to see if it could burn again, when the other person isn't interested and then the friendship goes into a hiatus.
The understood goodbye with some apology for things not going as planned and a well wishing farewell has been the most rewarding break up experience for me. A year goes by and there is not guilt of saying mean things. There is no regret of not trying to be nice.
One time I was cornered in an abusive relationship and couldn't move. Like any cornered rabbit, I came out screaming. When the relationship was ending I was veangful. I was mean. I said nasty things. Cold harsh truths. That I would be much more gentle about with any other human being in the world. My face got ugly. I slammed cupboards, my own cupboards and that doesn't even make sense. I didn't hand her the mail. I tossed it at her so that it fluttered in every direction. I scoffed at her as I did it. Every exchange we shared from that moment on, I made every effort to make her feel like soiled toilet paper, or actually worse because I don't hate toilet paper, I gently drop it into the water before flushing. I wanted her to feel my hatred. My eyes literally burned when I looked at her. I look back now and see that face. I feel that hate. It is like a small beign tumor, that will always be there like an ugly unremovable unmistakable mark that I can only be thankful wasn't malignant.
I took that story out of storage, and saw the ugly. I found myslef strewing the emotionall baggage from it all over the floor and had to clean it up all over again. There it was. All my ugliness. It hurt to look at it. I still can't believe i let that maggot make me get all evil. She was not worth the scarring I have. I hope that me pulling out my hatred helped Lia see more clearly how she needs to handle her goodbye that she has coming up. Then maybe my mistakes can finally do good in the world.
The understood goodbye with some apology for things not going as planned and a well wishing farewell has been the most rewarding break up experience for me. A year goes by and there is not guilt of saying mean things. There is no regret of not trying to be nice.
One time I was cornered in an abusive relationship and couldn't move. Like any cornered rabbit, I came out screaming. When the relationship was ending I was veangful. I was mean. I said nasty things. Cold harsh truths. That I would be much more gentle about with any other human being in the world. My face got ugly. I slammed cupboards, my own cupboards and that doesn't even make sense. I didn't hand her the mail. I tossed it at her so that it fluttered in every direction. I scoffed at her as I did it. Every exchange we shared from that moment on, I made every effort to make her feel like soiled toilet paper, or actually worse because I don't hate toilet paper, I gently drop it into the water before flushing. I wanted her to feel my hatred. My eyes literally burned when I looked at her. I look back now and see that face. I feel that hate. It is like a small beign tumor, that will always be there like an ugly unremovable unmistakable mark that I can only be thankful wasn't malignant.
I took that story out of storage, and saw the ugly. I found myslef strewing the emotionall baggage from it all over the floor and had to clean it up all over again. There it was. All my ugliness. It hurt to look at it. I still can't believe i let that maggot make me get all evil. She was not worth the scarring I have. I hope that me pulling out my hatred helped Lia see more clearly how she needs to handle her goodbye that she has coming up. Then maybe my mistakes can finally do good in the world.
