Father's Day
2011-Sep-09, Friday 01:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
samthebraveDearest Shiloh Rose,
Yesterday was father’s day. I realized this at about noon. It has been three weeks and two days since I saw you last. I have never in your life gone more than a day without you. I went to visit my own father and he wasn’t home. I thought of you and tried to forget you, but only thought of you more. I distracted myself with random entertainment, loud and obnoxious, sufficient to drown out any audible thoughts in my head. Something sweet happened in some movie or something and I choked on a sob that came from nowhere. A few minutes later another one came accompanied by a flashback of a time when you were laughing at me from your changing table. You always seemed to laugh when it was time to clean the butt. You didn’t laugh at the butt cleaning, but being there relaxed you in a way that made you want to laugh more easily at other things. I had another memory and a couple more sobs burst out of my nostrils. I couldn’t hold them back anymore. I tried to stand but stumbled out of control into the hall. I went into your room where your decorations were still on the lilac walls. My sobs grew louder and I moaned like a dying pig. Snot bubbles grew out of my nose and broke against my cheek. I fell on the floor and curled into a ball. I tried to hold my guts because they felt like they would burst if I didn’t squeeze my body. I shook uncontrollably and continued wailing. Drips fell on the wooden floor under my face. It became slippery. Slowly my sobs softened. My trembling slowed enough so that I could stand, hunched but able. I limped into the bathroom where I saw my swollen red face in the mirror and started all over again. I couldn’t look at my ugly face. It hurt even more. The tiles on the bathroom floor were cooler than the wood.
I don’t want you to think that you caused all this pain. I just want you to know that not seeing you every single day, not hearing your laugh, not feeling your little hands grab at my face, not feeling your strong legs trying to jump out of my lap, not struggling to match your anxious body fighting off the sleep, not calmly sighing with your relaxation when you do finally shut down every night. It tears a hole in my heart so big that I sometimes feel I have nothing left. I hope for you to never go through what I went through. Be smart. Be brave. Be tough. Be happy. Laugh. Love. Dance. Learn. Explore. Do. Be. Be present. Stay away from the bad things. Don’t ever get caught up in the bad things.
Yesterday was father’s day. I realized this at about noon. It has been three weeks and two days since I saw you last. I have never in your life gone more than a day without you. I went to visit my own father and he wasn’t home. I thought of you and tried to forget you, but only thought of you more. I distracted myself with random entertainment, loud and obnoxious, sufficient to drown out any audible thoughts in my head. Something sweet happened in some movie or something and I choked on a sob that came from nowhere. A few minutes later another one came accompanied by a flashback of a time when you were laughing at me from your changing table. You always seemed to laugh when it was time to clean the butt. You didn’t laugh at the butt cleaning, but being there relaxed you in a way that made you want to laugh more easily at other things. I had another memory and a couple more sobs burst out of my nostrils. I couldn’t hold them back anymore. I tried to stand but stumbled out of control into the hall. I went into your room where your decorations were still on the lilac walls. My sobs grew louder and I moaned like a dying pig. Snot bubbles grew out of my nose and broke against my cheek. I fell on the floor and curled into a ball. I tried to hold my guts because they felt like they would burst if I didn’t squeeze my body. I shook uncontrollably and continued wailing. Drips fell on the wooden floor under my face. It became slippery. Slowly my sobs softened. My trembling slowed enough so that I could stand, hunched but able. I limped into the bathroom where I saw my swollen red face in the mirror and started all over again. I couldn’t look at my ugly face. It hurt even more. The tiles on the bathroom floor were cooler than the wood.
I don’t want you to think that you caused all this pain. I just want you to know that not seeing you every single day, not hearing your laugh, not feeling your little hands grab at my face, not feeling your strong legs trying to jump out of my lap, not struggling to match your anxious body fighting off the sleep, not calmly sighing with your relaxation when you do finally shut down every night. It tears a hole in my heart so big that I sometimes feel I have nothing left. I hope for you to never go through what I went through. Be smart. Be brave. Be tough. Be happy. Laugh. Love. Dance. Learn. Explore. Do. Be. Be present. Stay away from the bad things. Don’t ever get caught up in the bad things.
