Aloneness

I am in such a weak trembly place in my life. I have nervous impulses to do things that don't make any rational sense that are completely reactionary to my motional state. My hurts are deeper than consciousness. I now completely understand the gravity of responsibility that parent has to child. My mothers harsh words to me have forced me to reckon with the simple fact that my family doesn't and never will understand me nor be able to give me the kind of love that I desire from them. Don't misunderstand this as they are buttheads and don't love me. No. They just operated differently than I do and aren't capable of the same level of feeling and giving that I am. That is a hard truth to face. These days I am finding myself reacting fearfully and protectively to tenderness. I am aware of this and trying to rationalize myself to this but I fear that it will take a great deal of time before I am able to be freely loving again. That sucks. Someday, when I have children I am going to pay close attention to what their emotional needs are and I am going to be responsible enought to deal with them accordingly. I am so lonely and so helpless and so afraid all the time. From here there is only one place to go but up. I must pay attention to the odd impulsiveness I am feeling so that further decisions aren't made from a place of running away but running towards the things I truly want in my life. It is difficult to tell which is which right now. One foot in front of the other as always.